SO, back when I found out I was pregnant with Tobin was probably the most dramatic and volatile period of my life. So many things were changing and everything appeared to be changing in a completely negative way. Somehow, in the midst of it, I managed to stay positive. Let’s just make a laundry list of the entire mess…
August 17 – received notice of foreclosure
August 20 – totaled our minivan after hubby blacked out behind the wheel
August 22 – echocardiogram
September 2 – discovered I was pregnant
September 7 – cardiologist’s office called – bad news…
Needless to say, I was quite stressed. Looking back at it all – I am extremely glad it all happened! Let’s put it this way – we were about ready to lose everything and I was actually looking mortality straight in the face.
I think the weakest moments came after my cardiologist’s office called. The nurse’s words still ring like gunshots through my mind. “I’m not saying you need to terminate, but you should strongly consider it.” That probably hurt me more in the conversation than when the nurse brought up the possibility of my needing a pacemaker! I was only 28 for crying out loud. My reaction to the phone call wasn’t a very pleasant one – I cried uncontrollably for about an hour or so. Considering this was the first time I REALLY cried in over 3 or more years, an hour was a long time. In fact, I don’t think I ever have cried that hard in my life. I just don’t give much value to emotions and feelings. I tend to hold them in at times and can actually “shut off” my emotions.
Anyway, I remember a point in that day when I was in bed with my husband and both my sons. I can remember sobbing and they were all just hugging me. One of the most heartbreaking moments came when my husband looked at me with tears running down his face and said, “I can’t live without you.” It was in that moment that I considered termination. It was the weakest moment of my life but the absolute most profound.
Some may believe that God doesn’t give people personal revelations and such. That’s fine, there’s no reason to believe that He would. On the other hand, there is no reason the believe that He wouldn’t.
It’s funny that God would use the absolute weakest moment of my entire life to impart to me a revelation. Now, I’m nobody special. I may just be going slowly crazy.
To think that God would impart to me, a pagan at the time, a revelation of Himself seems so incredulous – I can hardly believe it. The logical part of my being thinks I most assuredly must be going crazy. It is rather absurd to think that God would reveal part of Himself to me – in a dream.
First, let’s go over the timing of everything of importance. August 22 was my echocardiogram. The cardiologist’s office basically told me, “no news is good news” and that they would have the results in 2 to 7 days. When two weeks had passed, I figured it was safe to assume the good news. If they found anything wrong, they would certainly have called me sooner. On the night of September 5, two weeks after my echo and two days before the cardiologist’s office called, I had a dream. I should have gotten my echo results by that point but they were misplaced.
This wasn’t just any old dream. It was one of those dreams you can feel and smell. In the dream, a Satan – worshiping cult had stolen my newborn child. I knew the people that did it and followed them to their home. In fact, some of the people I considered kindred spirits. I broke into their facility and searched for my baby. As I was searching, I would pass rooms. In one of those rooms was Satan himself. Ironically, Satan just happened to look like my cardiologist. The conversation I heard was regarding how the infant sacrifice would take place. In the next room, I found my baby – scooped him up and ran for it.
It didn’t take long for the inhabitants of the facility to realize what I had done. They began to chase after me once I was out of the complex. I ran into a small forest outside of the complex. I kept running through the forest until I came to a neighborhood. Every house in the neighborhood was dark, except one. I ran as fast as I could toward the house because I could hear the people still chasing after me. For some reason, I ran around to the back door of the house and banged on the sliding glass door. There were many people in the house and they welcomed me in. I told them I was being chased by the devil and needed to keep my baby safe.
The gentleman that let me into the home told me that I was safe and to sit. When I sat down, the elderly woman I was sitting next to handed me a Bible. She said, “Here, you can use mine.” Oddly enough, it was probably the safest feeling I had ever felt in my life. While running from the devil, I landed in the middle of a Bible study.
I woke up the next morning a bit bewildered. I thought the dream was odd until my cardiologist’s office called. After the initial shock of that phone call, I considered the dream and came to a realization that as long as I put my faith in Him, I would be safe.
My cardiologist’s behavior at my appointment on September 10 was a lovely culmination to the entire three weeks. Obviously, his nurse didn’t make note of my pregnancy in my chart. He went through his whole spiel about medication and a later consult for a pacemaker. After he was finished, I said, “Did your nurse tell you I was pregnant?” You could immediately see the look of fear come over his face as he sat there in a drawn out pause as though he had no idea what to say next. At this point, I was completely confident that I would be safe and that confidence must have been noticeable in my demeanor. I say this because after the long pause my cardiologist said, “I assume you want to continue the pregnancy.” I assertively replied, “Yes.”
The last thing my cardiologist said to me as he basically ran out the door like he was being shot at was, “well, if anything goes wrong we can prescribe something.” I don’t think I have EVER seen a doctor move that fast – not even in an emergency room.
People can think me crazy, that’s fine. I really think that dream was a revelation from God. I know, even I think it sounds crazy. However, I would rather be a crazy Christian than the miserable pagan I was.
Does anybody else in this world think that God still communicates with us? I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t hear voices or anything like that. However, I am constantly looking and listening for messages from Him. I don’t believe that prayer is one-sided conversation. I view prayer as intimate communication with our Lord, to which He is able to respond in any way He so chooses. We just have to be alert, listen, and be ready when the messages come.
